This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
