i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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