College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
