I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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