If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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