well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
