I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
