Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
