just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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