Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
