youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
