you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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