Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
