You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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