i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
