WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
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