part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
then he tried to convert me to islam
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
