He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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