he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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