Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
