My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
