I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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