I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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