When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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