I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
