I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Well I just put wine in my tea
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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