I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
