i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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