I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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