two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
