i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i need some magic done to my vagina
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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