the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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