All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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