I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
