so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
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