there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
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