I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I stole a fireplace last night.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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