I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
