My liver just broke up with me...
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
