State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
