I cannot find my penis.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
