Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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