Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
