what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
