My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
