There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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