This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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