Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
