If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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