I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I just found puke in my bra..
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
