Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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