His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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