the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
