A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
