omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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