boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
