I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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