The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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